Swirlings in the belly button

I´ve just descended from Templo del Mono, a steep and gorgeous meander up from the dense city of Cusco. It´s been ten years of booming for this city, known as the belly button of Pachamama and center of Tawantisuyo (Four Inca states). There have been influxes of both those who migrate from rural areas as well as from tourism, and as I´ve come to know about myself, not a day passes by that I do not weigh what it means to be a part of that "invasion" of sorts that has been enough of a force to swap out places of tradition for Starbucks and the like. Yesterday at a Rotary Club meeting, an elderly member told me that when she was young the city consisted of just a few blocks radius out from the Plaza de Armas, or central square, and now you´ll find houses crawling up into the hills. At present, I lay my head in one of these buildings in the hill, namely in the San Blas area where you´ll find plenty of wanderers. Both gazing around and gazing in the mirror, I am humbled and called to something. What that something is is the central question now as I move into the second phase of my South America 2010 chapter.
It´s just a week ago now that I said goodbye to the last of our Carpe Diem students. The shift from moving around Ecuador and Peru in our family of eleven, to only taking care of me, is an earthquake-like one. I miss our constant hugs, laughter, games, conversation, invention, contemplation. It´s interesting to witness my own evoluntion in the context of this transition. Those of you who knew me as a kid know my norm was the quiet, introspective observer. Perhaps I felt safer in spaces in which I didn´t have to put out energy to perform, in some sense. But in a slow process of coming into more awareness of my truths, those barriers of fear are mountains less and community has new meaning to me. So, the transition away from this family stings quite a bit, but I also recognize the importance of cultivating my relationship with my best friend, myself.
And thus I move into these next few months with a heart loaded with seeking questions. At the center of these resides a intense look at my path and the doubt that litters obstacles along it. I´ve always loved learning, facts and intrigues of science, but what has resonated deepest has been the `intangibles´ of energy, spirit, mystery. What I´m staring at at this point is my fears that I´ve in some way been led astray... all that access to so many ways of seeing the world, including the neuroscience that explains the feelings we get in meditation, for example... these all snap around in my active mind and well, keep me wondering, doubting. I suppose we need doubt in order to have faith, and it´s the experiences that expand the balance to deepen me further into the faith I hunger for.
Yesterday late afternoon I sat atop a hill overlooking the Sawsayhuaman ruins (which forms the head of the puma shape of Cusco), and tossed more of this circus act around my internal world, all while listening to a long black-haired young man play the flute. Delicious. As the sun sank down, we both made the move to return to our respective homes, and as we crossed paths he spoke to me. I turned, and over the next hour I listened to him speak of his truths... a tremendous, more articulate echo of my inner waves. He sees how the state charges entrance fees to sacred sites and stands opposed; he hopes for a day when all brothers & sisters can move in these spaces in freedom, when we lose the strangleholds that threaten our clarity, love, compassion and togetherness. Indeed, there is something that gets trapped in the cities, which in me registers at body level when peace enters my bones and blood as I re-enter the green rolling hills and when the divine electricity dulls a bit upon descending to the oft money-centered existence. Perhaps it´s my perspective as well, and I´ll strive daily to raise up the humanity within the labels I often place. I´ve been realizing, for example, the power of compassionate eye contact. Even if not buying what countless vendors are selling, each is a person, not solely a vendor... and eyes can laugh and share in the hilarity of our existence.
And this is the glory and burden of a struggling, blissful nomad with enormous privilege recognized and matched with infinite gratitude. Pray I remain open-hearted to the messages that surround me, and that I´m able to give back as much as I have received.
Though a soul-searching time, if you´re moved to come to Peru or Bolivia, you´ll indeed be a complement to that:) So come on down!
Amor, amor, y mas amor---
aj