thank you

Tucked into a corner of my parent's Philadelphia home, snow softly falls outside and I feel a peacefulness deep inside that measures as the ultimate of all possible birthday gifts. In travel, I learned that some cultures have it that the birthday celebrator is the one who gifts something to the others in his/her life... I love that notion, for it is all of you that have made my life so rich. So, I offer here a simple bow of gratitude; thank you for all you've taught, for all you've loved.

Well, it's been about six weeks since returning from India, and it's taken just as long to relax its ties around my soul. As you've noticed, my blog took a long rest during that journey... I was so immersed in the full, glorious, complex moments there that I shied away from attempting to take time outs and wrap my mind around its brilliance. I just opened my heart and took it all in, breath by breath. And I was blessed to experience India through eight other lenses from the eight students who were along on the Carpe Diem ride... we sat it countless circles to decompress along the journey, and it was awesome to experience the open atmosphere conducive for grappling with all we went through together.

There is no doubt I'll travel back to that special land. I think of Krishna, for example, our fire dance teacher in Varanasi, who lamented not having more time to show us what it means to experience India through the third eye, not just as a traveler. I was only able to take one pre-sunrise walk along the ghats of Varanasi, and it was those moments of slowing down that the mysterious layers began to manifest. Mmmm, I've never felt so not ready to depart from the cities we traveled through as we made our way west along the Ganges.

Nevertheless, there is something that's more settled inside after my wanderings from last year, and I've returned with a stronger relationship with myself and thereby the world around me. I have a commitment to sitting every morning to be with the heart and simply listen. And to ask direction and assistance in re-discovering roots of our own native land here in the U.S. as I seek to sculpt out a new program for youth. One magical day at a time, awake, aware, and humbled... As my South America family came to accept as our mantra, "thank you Universe; I have no complaints whatsoever."

Another sun

Yesterday I sat down in a small NY-village park picnic table with a large piece of flipchart paper and a handful of crayons. I laughed with myself as I attempted to sketch a world map. For as many times as I've marveled before the layout of our globe, you'd think replicating it would come easier. The message speaks again, "slow down, listen, wake up." Am I moving a bit too fast that I'm missing the delicious details? Nonetheless, I listed out my travel stops in the years since graduating college in 2001, and roughly connected the dots from one destination to the next. I ended up with a mess of colorful lines, and I added to the mayhem by layering on top names, ideas and symbols representing pivotal pieces along the journey toward discovering my inner truths.
This was one of several ideas that came to me in a brainstorm flurry while wielding the hoe between a few lines of Freedom Farm snap peas. It's the third year in a row that I've made it back to my cousin's farm here near Otisville, and in that sense it's become a 'home' at which I can rest, recover, reflect, reconnect, and soak up renewed inspiration. To be honest, though, my tally shows a total of 21 countries I've traveled through over the past five years. I can feel the spinning inside me which lets me know that less than four weeks is a small candle to the mountains I'm attempting to see.
So I do what I can, asking self-compassion to ride my veins and breath to ease my stride. I bounce between present moments and memories of waterfalls, condors, conversations, market sights, smells, friendships extended and deepened, welcomed in and let go. At times I feel the million-layered soil that composes my island and furrow my brow in isolation, only to look up and remember the sun feeds us all. Between nothing and everything, there we dance.

Huayhuash Circuit Heaven

Back in the tranquilo town of Huaraz, from which many seekers launch their adventures. Two days ago my hiking friend, Joaquín, and I returned back from ours-- nine days of heavenly, demanding trekking of the Huayhuash Circuit. We met in town on May 24th and began planning out and stocking up. After chatting with a number of knowledgable locals, we determined that we could handle the trek on our own without the usual guides and donkeys. So we set out on May 26 on a 5am bus to Chiquian which, despite a flat tire, got us there in time to catch another ride to Pocpa, and from there a mining bus (a Japanese company has bought up lots of resource-rich land here) to our starting point. By 12:30pm we were feeling our chests heaving and legs calling for mercy as we hiked up our first steep switchbacking mountain. Backpacks were loaded with food (soups, rice, beans, apples, nuts, raisins, coffee, coca leaves, chocolate, peanut butter, bread, tuna, avocados, cheese, salt, oil), 4L gas for our "cocina", pots and small plates, sleeping bags, tent, mattresses, warm clothes, cameras and water. Perhaps 40 or 50lbs of weight, Joaquín bearing the heavier load, lucky me:)
We made it over our first of many passes, and as we peered into the expansive valley below, we knew we were in for some of the most precious consecutive series of moments of our lives. Simply and utterly gorgeous... blessed with constant views of snow-capped mountain range, glaciers, snaking rivers, all shades of blue and green lakes around surprising corners, condors, laughing birds, horses, sheep, donkeys, dogs, cows, flowers, waterfalls, multitude of stars, strong connection with the moon in its fullness, Peruvians on horseback always with a smile and kind interaction... I could list more.
There were several days we trekked for over nine hours, and one day in which we went off-trail and morphed into daring rock climbers alongside glaciers, challenged to comprehend our topographic map which eventually led us under headlamp light back to a trail where we set up camp in the dark. That day we ascended over 1000m. Our bodies were blissfully in full use. Such lengthy and demanding exercise is one of the greatest routes for me to feeling immensely and absolutely alive. We could feel our systems charged and pumping... so in tune with the miracle of our body temple.
On day five, we took a full day off to rest, refuel, bath in the lake below the waterfall, journal and do a bit of yoga. With the exception of a handful of hikers who walked past, we essentially had an entire valley to ourselves. Ah, the wonder that churns in me when I recall this day and all those glorious moments... one day I hope you´ll experience it to understand.
The most trying aspect of our trek were the merciless freezing nights that often times left us sleepless. They were true psychological tests waiting for night hours to crawl by for the rising sun to dethaw us and allow us to crawl out of our small tent home. But the beauty of the days rejuvenated us, and our endless meandering and inspiring conversations kept us light, joyous and enraptured.
Yesterday Joaquín and I spun with the over-stimulus of city life and re-entry into the movement of multitude of dreams we have simmering. It´s taking me some time to reorient myself after days in heaven; what a Gift.
Pictures to follow. Abrazos fuertes...

Swirlings in the belly button

I´ve just descended from Templo del Mono, a steep and gorgeous meander up from the dense city of Cusco. It´s been ten years of booming for this city, known as the belly button of Pachamama and center of Tawantisuyo (Four Inca states). There have been influxes of both those who migrate from rural areas as well as from tourism, and as I´ve come to know about myself, not a day passes by that I do not weigh what it means to be a part of that "invasion" of sorts that has been enough of a force to swap out places of tradition for Starbucks and the like. Yesterday at a Rotary Club meeting, an elderly member told me that when she was young the city consisted of just a few blocks radius out from the Plaza de Armas, or central square, and now you´ll find houses crawling up into the hills. At present, I lay my head in one of these buildings in the hill, namely in the San Blas area where you´ll find plenty of wanderers. Both gazing around and gazing in the mirror, I am humbled and called to something. What that something is is the central question now as I move into the second phase of my South America 2010 chapter.
It´s just a week ago now that I said goodbye to the last of our Carpe Diem students. The shift from moving around Ecuador and Peru in our family of eleven, to only taking care of me, is an earthquake-like one. I miss our constant hugs, laughter, games, conversation, invention, contemplation. It´s interesting to witness my own evoluntion in the context of this transition. Those of you who knew me as a kid know my norm was the quiet, introspective observer. Perhaps I felt safer in spaces in which I didn´t have to put out energy to perform, in some sense. But in a slow process of coming into more awareness of my truths, those barriers of fear are mountains less and community has new meaning to me. So, the transition away from this family stings quite a bit, but I also recognize the importance of cultivating my relationship with my best friend, myself.
And thus I move into these next few months with a heart loaded with seeking questions. At the center of these resides a intense look at my path and the doubt that litters obstacles along it. I´ve always loved learning, facts and intrigues of science, but what has resonated deepest has been the `intangibles´ of energy, spirit, mystery. What I´m staring at at this point is my fears that I´ve in some way been led astray... all that access to so many ways of seeing the world, including the neuroscience that explains the feelings we get in meditation, for example... these all snap around in my active mind and well, keep me wondering, doubting. I suppose we need doubt in order to have faith, and it´s the experiences that expand the balance to deepen me further into the faith I hunger for.
Yesterday late afternoon I sat atop a hill overlooking the Sawsayhuaman ruins (which forms the head of the puma shape of Cusco), and tossed more of this circus act around my internal world, all while listening to a long black-haired young man play the flute. Delicious. As the sun sank down, we both made the move to return to our respective homes, and as we crossed paths he spoke to me. I turned, and over the next hour I listened to him speak of his truths... a tremendous, more articulate echo of my inner waves. He sees how the state charges entrance fees to sacred sites and stands opposed; he hopes for a day when all brothers & sisters can move in these spaces in freedom, when we lose the strangleholds that threaten our clarity, love, compassion and togetherness. Indeed, there is something that gets trapped in the cities, which in me registers at body level when peace enters my bones and blood as I re-enter the green rolling hills and when the divine electricity dulls a bit upon descending to the oft money-centered existence. Perhaps it´s my perspective as well, and I´ll strive daily to raise up the humanity within the labels I often place. I´ve been realizing, for example, the power of compassionate eye contact. Even if not buying what countless vendors are selling, each is a person, not solely a vendor... and eyes can laugh and share in the hilarity of our existence.
And this is the glory and burden of a struggling, blissful nomad with enormous privilege recognized and matched with infinite gratitude. Pray I remain open-hearted to the messages that surround me, and that I´m able to give back as much as I have received.
Though a soul-searching time, if you´re moved to come to Peru or Bolivia, you´ll indeed be a complement to that:) So come on down!
Amor, amor, y mas amor---
aj

arequipa en abril

Yet another gorgeous sunny day in "the white city" of sillar (volcanic ash)-constructed Arequipa, Peru. My soul sings immense depths of gratitude contemplating the wonders this fourth semester with Carpe Diem has gifted. Truly, this may rival for the longest time I have felt such a sense of sustained happiness coursing through my being... What glorious concoction is this? For one, a tremendous alignment of souls that have aligned for these three months. Nine students- five male, four female- from Colorado, California, Washington, Washington DC, Maryland, Ohio, New York and each beats to such cool drummers. Drumming positivity, curiosity, desire to serve, to grow, to seek, to feel, to struggle, to draw, dance and sing... I am every day reinspired and reignited by the sparks in their eyes and loves exuding.
While I have often felt conflicted by the rapid nature in which we travel, with this group I am contented knowing that though our family may by fluttering in and out, it is no doubt leaving joy and inspiration in its wake. And witnessing our conversations in which I hear this conflictedness shared by these wise students, I am heartened knowing in their future travels they´ll find a way to shoot down firmer roots. Yes, it is a true honor to be sharing this journey surrounded by such a palpably transformative collective energy.
Another aspect of this glorious concoction is my co-leader, a true brother, a gifted mentor and divine spirit. Recently I´ve been reading a book a student brought along the trip, Mutant Messages Down Under, which tells of the telepathic communication of Aboriginal Peoples... which Drew and I often times experience in the overlap of our teacher souls always looking for that edge from which we can push ourselves and our environments to greater growth and meaning. And countless moments of tearful laughter and humbled silence; it´s a wonder releasing into the moment with a teammate who echoes the same.
Of course, the greatest power of the concoction is this passionate, vibrant land of Ecuador and Peru. We are traveling in the belly area of Pachamama, Mother Earth, and experiencing the power of her waterfalls, the extremes of her mountains, the beauty of her skies, the varieties of her bugs, and tremendous depths of artistry and care dancing from her people that reside in these lands.
Surely, this vibrancy is born from the struggles amidst us... as I write, there is another protest in the Plaza de Armas at the center of Arequipa. Workers striking for better pay here, and yesterday blocking the Panamerican Highway, leading to six deaths at a location five hours north of us. And, similar to what we found in Central America, many of the communist-inspired rebel groups have shifted flow into narcotraffic which subtly nags and erodes safety and family alike. As I learned hiking up from wondrous Colca Canyon, rainy season has shortened from six to TWO months only... Pachamama is indeed begging for us to pay attention to her heartbeat.
So we carry on, day by day, gazing toward the decisions we are making and spinning the ball around as best we can to see it all from different angles until we rest on movement that reverberates loudest with our truest drummer. In a state of much global turbulents, seems that opening up our souls as wide as the condor´s wings facilitates the quieting of fears and ego-calls that hamper true hearing.
For those whose eyes drift across this screen, I honor and thank you. Pray you are feeling life thundrous and babbling, sparkling and squelching... breathing.

humble and still

Portland, Oregon. January 20, 2010. Two weeks worth of living to my own meditative drummer before launching off on another voyage... A bit after five o'clock and gazing out from this cozy, borrowed room, the dark night sky is an alluring and comforting blue. For once in a long time I've actually unpacked, at least to create the facade that I am 'settled'. The truth is, I am. From hitting one type of life 'bottom', including a mild semblance of an existential dilemma while in Thailand, a series of interactions over the past six months has me all the more open to unknown and feeling unified with the movements that never cease.
At one time I had a sense I'd nest in the Pacific NW, and now I turn my quest in the direction of South America. Fitting in amidst fimiliarity has rarely satisfied my soul, and while countless light bulbs have set off from my wanderings thus far, there is a strong voice that implores I seek on. One of those messengers came in the form of a nightmare that triggered my screaming to a volume I've never reached before, and sending an upstairs neighborhood worriedly to the door. So these days I find myself exploring the seeming divide between the 'rational; mind that I've been methodically trained in through years of education, and the intuitive pull to energies that are not always seen. As I tend to do, I've found avenues to reconciling... namely in the truth of balance.
Amidst it all, we pray for Haiti, a disaster of proportions that surely spirals us to contemplations in dimesions both 'rational' and not. There is no doubt that our earth home is alive and bears infinite messages, if we listen from humble and still hearts.

Long time coming...

Apologies to those who faithfully check in on my blogs... surely, it has been too long since my last post, and with such a gap I'll not do as much 'justice' to my life experiences as of late:) But I've got to begin again somewhere, so I'll give it my best shot.
Well, this semester with Carpe Diem has been unlike I ever would have imagined: heart-wrenching... of a rather painful kind, simply in the sense of my personal journey and what I've been forced to face about myself and my relationship with life. This is a good thing, no doubt, and ultimately I marvel at how lucky I am to be able to dig into large, sometimes dark questions in the manner I do... traveling through South East Asia.
We began in Siem Reap, Cambodia-- myself, my co-leader Brian, and three female students. From Angkor Wat, we slow-boated to Battambang where volunteered in a center for orphans and sexually trafficked girls, and finally on to the harsh stories of Pol Pot, with tours of S-21 and the Killing Fields. From there we flew to the UNESCO World Heritage city of Luang Prabang in Lao, from where we launched our 7-day trek and rafting trip:) After a few days recovery time in Luang Prabang, we bussed to the Thai border where we zip-lined in gibbon territory and slept in treehouses. After crossing the border by boat, we bussed to Chiang Mai. In our first week in Thailand, we meditated and yogied our time on an organic farm in a Buddhist retreat led by a former Wall Streeter named Matt.
Ironically, this peaceful time was the forerunner to 'the explosion' which, in hindsight, was of course rumbling... Where I found myself caught in a mucky middle between disgruntled students who were feeling misled and 'duped' and the organization which I pledge great respect and loyalty. Each of the three students has her story, and, ultimately, each story is meerly that-- a series of impressions we craft into our perspective which, mixing with our needs and nuances, spices our feelings and ensuing actions-- and in the process of trying to hold some sort of middle ground, my voice dissipated and my body rounded into self-protective form.
Rapidly the situation became one of micro-level diplomacy in which the young women asserted their desire to rework trip itinerary, and Brian and I swinging between celebrating their independence and initiative to do "service work" and maintaining a stricter line of 'our way or no way'. Ugh, thick... and a short window of time to decipher between the head and heart, ego and truth.
Unfortunately, our schools don't teach much of nonviolent communication, so I quickly felt the kryptonite-strength of anger and negativity sear the fabric of my hypersensitive soul. Through the cloudy 'negotiations' emerged a complicating agreement to rework our schedule to the interests of the students. In the wake of this, Brian and I lingered in what felt many times as victims of an abusive relationship (tad of an exaggeration:)), caught in what seemed an inescapable space.
Yoga and meditation in the plethora of Buddhist temples there reminded me steadily of what it means to detach from the drama, and find home in the eternal and constant peace of breath, of love. But a certain reminder that, as part of the interdependent human family, to feel the heaviness of angers, resentments, etc is part of carrying compassion at the forefront of soul. Thus is life.
So our lovely dysfunctional family struggled on in Chiang Mai as two volunteered at a dog shelter and another lost her compass a bit... I had an especially renewing experience at Pun Pun, an organic farm and seed-saving center north of Chiang Mai. A joyful monk there held my soul delicately for several days as I was reminded of what makes most sense to my being-- learning and growing with nature and nurturing community.
And finally we broke out of the stagnant energy of our guesthouse in Chiang Mai and traveled south... first to volunteer with disabled and HIV+ orphans in Bangkok, and then on to contribute to a bit of building with Moken people on a small island in the Andaman Sea. Each of these experiences a wonder in its own right...
After a night on a remote, peaceful island, we've made it further south to our site of departure for home: Phuket. Luckily in this over-developed tourist jungle we selected a guesthouse that rests on the hills above the madness, where I will gladly take refuge. The students are now completing their first day of the open water scuba diving course. Today they're in the classroom and pool and the next few days will spend the days on a boat exploring the world underwater...
I ponder each of these young women, which I've deemed my 'gurus', and am ultimately so hopeful for them, and grateful how they've hung in there despite the tumultuous nature of this three-month journey.
Wow, countless Great Lessons learned, and still learning. Though I hesitated on this decision, I'll be off on another semester in the spring-- back to my heartland of latin america-- Peru and Ecuador. A ver lo que baila el universo :)